Celebration: Vulnerability

Part of me likes to be bossed. That part of me feels like there are too many opportunities for making mistakes, embarrassing myself, setting myself up for rejection, doing the wrong thing, etc., and that part of me appreciates it when there are rules it can follow to avoid those discomforts. That part of me speaks in the language of "shoulds" and "should nots." That part of me is just a little, tiny part of me, but it's loud and pushy. It uses rules to build up emotional walls around me and calls it "protection." It enjoys keeping parts of me secret behind those walls, hiding.

The problem with living in a world of "shoulds" and "should nots" is that real life is much more fluid. Human interaction is not simply a series of rules. And rules don't give much room for things like emotions, inspiration, courage, or love.

I've tried to break my obsession with rules by focusing on trusting people, but really trusting someone requires that you feel they are trustworthy. It is too focused on their actions and feelings, which you cannot control. A couple weeks ago I realized that for me, at least, trust was not the issue. What I needed to do was become the boss of me instead of letting myself be bossed. And the real issue was vulnerability.

I think most people don't like feeling vulnerable, but if you choose to be vulnerable you're the one in control. In the last couple weeks I've found that when I choose to be vulnerable from moment to moment life feels more rich, more exciting, and more real. And when I make mistakes, embarrass myself, feel rejected I can say to myself, "I knew it was a possibility but I chose to take the risk," and I end up feeling kind of proud of myself. I even get a sort of rush. I guess you could say that choosing to be vulnerable is a little like doing extreme sports.

I've also noticed that when I'm choosing to be more vulnerable I feel a lot more compassion and charity for everyone else around me. It makes sense. The apostle Paul wrote, "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." Vulnerability requires faith and hope, and it helps develop charity. I think that calls for a celebration, don't you?