Part of me likes to be bossed. That part of me feels like there are too many opportunities for making mistakes, embarrassing myself, setting myself up for rejection, doing the wrong thing, etc., and that part of me appreciates it when there are rules it can follow to avoid those discomforts. That part of me speaks in the language of "shoulds" and "should nots." That part of me is just a little, tiny part of me, but it's loud and pushy. It uses rules to build up emotional walls around me and calls it "protection." It enjoys keeping parts of me secret behind those walls, hiding.
The problem with living in a world of "shoulds" and "should nots" is that real life is much more fluid. Human interaction is not simply a series of rules. And rules don't give much room for things like emotions, inspiration, courage, or love.
I've tried to break my obsession with rules by focusing on trusting people, but really trusting someone requires that you feel they are trustworthy. It is too focused on their actions and feelings, which you cannot control. A couple weeks ago I realized that for me, at least, trust was not the issue. What I needed to do was become the boss of me instead of letting myself be bossed. And the real issue was vulnerability.
I think most people don't like feeling vulnerable, but if you choose to be vulnerable you're the one in control. In the last couple weeks I've found that when I choose to be vulnerable from moment to moment life feels more rich, more exciting, and more real. And when I make mistakes, embarrass myself, feel rejected I can say to myself, "I knew it was a possibility but I chose to take the risk," and I end up feeling kind of proud of myself. I even get a sort of rush. I guess you could say that choosing to be vulnerable is a little like doing extreme sports.
I've also noticed that when I'm choosing to be more vulnerable I feel a lot more compassion and charity for everyone else around me. It makes sense. The apostle Paul wrote, "And now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three; but the greatest of these is charity." Vulnerability requires faith and hope, and it helps develop charity. I think that calls for a celebration, don't you?
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What a timely post. I've felt rather vulnerable myself this week, and it was just today that I resolved to make more choices for myself. :) Like being happy even if I fail tests.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I'm sorry you found out on the blog! My intention was to make sure we got the word out to the most wonderful family in the world before that happened, but apparently it didn't work. :)
Rose - what a perfect post. Thanks so much for being vulnerable enough to open up! It really rings true with me. Being a writer must also make you very vulnerable, especially when the feedback comes. Vulnerability, like you said, breeds empathy and patience.
ReplyDeleteI like the simile of extreme sports. Isn't there an Olympics event going on about vulnerabililty? It must be Curling.
"I guess you could say that choosing to be vulnerable is a little like doing extreme sports."
ReplyDeleteI love it.
Absolutely.
I am the same way by default - and have to consciously decide to DECIDE, you know? And I've been forgetting to do this recently. Like Janae, this is a very timely post for me.
I can choose to be happy/optimistic even if my house is messy/I'm tired/I am frustrated with my post-partum body/a child just ruined my new shirt *again*.
Far too often, I let circumstances dictate how I behave and therefor who I am. That's not right.
Thanks for reminding me.
And yes, WORTH A CELEBRATION!
I luff this blog, too, by the by. :) And I miss your face.
Thank you for sharing, you guys! It's nice to know we've made a connection even over the complex "tubes" of the internet.
ReplyDeletei feel ya. i get really frustrated with social rules sometimes. let's throw them all out. botanical gardens?
ReplyDeleteYou're a smart cookie. There are psychology books about this very thing. I've been reading them. You might find them interesting. I certainly do. We need to talk. Why don't we talk anymore? We're basically the same person so it's weird that we don't talk.
ReplyDeleteIf you choose vulnerability, then you are vulnerable from a position of strength.
ReplyDeleteOh, and may I say that I have darling daughters.
Momma, baby, you can say anything you want. As long as it's nice.
ReplyDelete